Realizations while transitioning...

Lately I've been going through some things that I've wanted to blog about but could not figure out how to get it out of my brain. I was trying to come up with a general subject and not talk specifically about my personal situation(s). I thought I would generalize it for the blogger public. This wasn't working too well, so I'm just going to vent as was the initial purpose of Introspect. (*Warning- this may be pretty scattered*)

So graduation is in less than 3 weeks and Phoenix just over a month. Wow. Where does the time go? This is not the biggest transition I have had to endure in my young life, yet it is proving to be pretty difficult emotionally. Some of these emotions I can't quite describe or place. It seems as if everything is falling into place, though. I'm graduating and I actually know what I am doing with my life afterwards. It goes as follows:

My Life's Itinerary
May 18th- Receive B.A. in Journalism from Temple University for four years of hard work.
~May 20th- Move out of my one bedroom apartment of 2 years ( not looking forward to that :(
May 27th-June 1st- My first cruise with beautiful people that I love
June 2- August 11- My first real ( real as in paid! yes!) photo internship in Phoenix, AZ.
August 16-20th- NABJ Convention in Indy
~End of August/Early September-May '07- Grad school in Boston

So that is about a year of my life planned out and I should be real relaxed right now- for some reason I'm not. My favorite India.Arie quote (she really speaks the truth) is -

"The only thing constant in the world is change."

This is so very true but it is also not the easiest thing in the world to endure. Most people when having to adapt to a new lifestyle, city, job, mate, family, etc. do not have the easiest time. It is definitely a learning experience and certain changes or transitions in life can help you to define who you are. So in the end you come out on top, but while in the midst of it, it can be a pretty confusing time.

I now understand that quote about fearing success. I don't fear it so much that I am letting my fears get in my way, but I just feel so unsettled right now. My fears in success lie in things I probably won't care much about a year or maybe even months from now. I fear that the path I am headed may cause me to have to delete( for lack of a better word) certain friends from my life. And boy am I the worst person at making new friends. I'm comfortable being the loner and introvert that I am, but it has had an effect on my social life. The few people I can call friend I would like to think that we could remain friends for as long as possible.

Unfortunately the latter has already been proven to be false. Three of the people still here at Temple that I spent the majority of my social life with and I are on the outs. It is that point where you are like "Dag, I thought we were friends, but I guess not." When something as petty as five dollars ( that is not worth being explained) can end a friendship, you know that you need to move on in life. You just realize that some people are meant to hang around in your life and some are just temporary. It hurts, but c'est la vie, right?

Everything happens for a reason and nothing lasts forever are the two cliches that are flashing like neon signs in Vegas in my brain at the moment. What a key time for me to recognize that certain folks and I were not meant to share friendship for longer than the four years of undergrad. God is trying to tell me something.

A fellow female photog and I were having this disucssion on the way back from a wedding shoot. She says "Some friends are good for certain things" Maybe some friends are only good for certain time periods.

Have you ever assumed you were in a place that you were really not? I guess a hurried assumption of sorts. When you think that you are cool before you actually get to a place and then when you actually are faced with the reality of what that place feels like, you realize you weren't ready for it at all. For me that was assuming I was at a point in getting over a love. Although I am moving on, I am not totally there yet. I haven't moved yet. It is still a work in progress. I am trying though. Hey, I miss him. I am not afraid to admit that. That's real. I am just waiting for the day when I am unaffected by him and am somewhat indifferent, if that day ever comes- sigh-*

Well, that is the end of my brain fart-lol- for the day. Peace and Love.
~E

"Beautiful Surprise"

India.Arie's music always speaks to me and the way I feel or a situation I am experiencing at that time. We must be kindred spirits ;). Her new album comes out on June 27, Testimony: Vol. 1, Life & Relationship. Go get it. I'm sure it's gonna be hot.

"Beautiful Surprise," from her second album, Voyage to India, is one of those songs that is relatable to anyone who has a new love. It is that epiphany type moment when you realize that this love is real and right. You don't even know where this feeling came from, but it feels good. It kind of just sneaks up on you one day. This is why I love her music. It is real and relatable. Here are the lyrics to "Beautiful Surprise."

It's like yesterday I didn't even know your name
Now today
You're always on my mind
I never could have predicted that I feel this way
You are beautiful surprise
Intoxicated every time I hear your voice
You've got me on a natural high
It's almost like I didn't even have a choice
You are a beautiful surprise
Whatever it is you came to teach me
I am here to learn it
cause I believe that we are written in the stars
I don't know what the future holds
But I'm living in the moment
And I'm thankful for the man that you are, you are, you are

You are everything I ask for in my prayers
So I know my angels brought you to my life
Your energy is healing to my soul
You are a beautiful surprise
You are an inspiration to my life
You are the reason why I smile
You are a beautiful surp rise

Stream of Conciousness

A friend's blog inspired me to dig up this old poem. I wrote it about a year ago. My style of poetry, if you can call it that, is considered "stream of conciousness," according to my poetry professor last year. I write as if I am having a conversation with my own thoughts. This poem is not the best example of that but I think it is one of the most interesting poems I've written to date. It makes me wonder if you can really define or capture love.

Love captured between bodies
Between deep felt stares
Between hours of significant or
insignificant conversations
A love unspoken
A love not acknowledged in other realms perceivable

A love that burns
A love that is in need
A love that yearns for more
A love of secrets whispered
A love with great magnitude
Holding, …holding, on
To love
To this love
A love that cherishes its parts
Its insecurities
Its idiosyncrasies
Its shortcomings
Its company
It’s “the way I feel when I’m around you”
It’s reading between the lines
It’s hearing the words unspoken
It’s the pauses and ums
There are hopes, visions, fantasies, prayers
That go out into the universe
That this love
A love
Will be felt
Acknowledged
Shared
Love Captured…

Psalm 23

I needed to read this today... maybe someone else out there needs to read this too. Be Blessed.

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.