Finding Florence

Part I - The Analysis
* part I and II are not closely related*

So I named this post "Finding Florence" as homage to my grandmother Florence Waller. We never had a chance to meet. She died a decade and a half before I was born. She was only 40. I am her namesake. My parents named me Erin Florence Irene- hence efie-. (Irene is my dad's mom who also died at a very young age)

I don't know much about Florence beyond the stories my mother and some aunts and uncles have told me. There are these two tattered, reproduced photos, one black and white and the other sepia toned which all 19 of her children hang on their walls or use to adorn shelves in their homes in reverance to her. It is the only piece of her that some of the younger ones can hold dear to them, because they were too young to remember her voice, her mannerisms, or the way she wore her hair.

She was this docile, quiet, and somewhat passive woman. She never cursed. I was told the closest she ever got to cursing was "darn it, all." She was very thin and looked pretty darn good for someone who had a child every year for 20 years. She never wore makeup and wore her long silky locks tied up in a braid or two usually.

I see in every one of her children this passivity that I believe she must have had. I even see it in myself. She stayed with the same man, my grandfather, Jerome aka 'Port', in a one bedroom apartment in the projects and gave him children for most of her life. They struggled, but she stayed. He had another family and a wife, but she stayed. He had a temper and ruled their household with an iron fist, and she stayed. Why? Why did she stay?

My grandfather was a massive man. My mother always describes his huge hands as mutant-like, big enough to fit her entire head in his palm. He was a great athlete, a boxer and talented baseball player. His baseball skills, being the best in Bridgeport, earned him the nickname 'Port.' He was also a talented sculptor and painter. He was ambitious.

What was it about 'Port' that Florence saw in him that made her stay? They met in a bowling alley when she was just 19 years old. He was considerably older than her. Did she fall in love with him and the fantasy of the life he promised to give her? Whatever character flaw my grandmother had that allowed her to put up with less than she deserved from a man yet do it so gracefully, is something that I find in myself.

We give people we love the benefit of the doubt. I am assuming she loved him so much she just knew in her heart that one day he would accomplish the dreams and goals he set when they first met. She stuck by his side even though he never married her and remained married to another woman with whom he had 8 children. She stuck by his side as that same woman sucked up any money he earned like a leech once he divorced her, leaving my grandmother and her children with the minimal amount needed to survive. Did she feel stuck? Was it all of the children?

I put up with the nonsensical things that guys I care about do or say and I stay, when I should go. I guess it's that little bit of Florence I have in me.

Part II- The Incident

It's always a weird feeling when you call someone and the first thing they say is "I was just talking about you." I've been hearing this alot lately. It's a weird psychic/esp'ish feeling. So I wasn't suprised on Tuesday evening when I heard that same phrase from friend/ex "friend."

*editor's note- "friend"= the term used when you are in an undefined relationship or situation (that isn't very healthy at all). It is often times used as a crutch in order to keep someone in your life whom you can see yourself having a relationship with, but it was never made official for whatever reason. This "friendship" is not platonic in any sense. There are blurred lines, which end up being crossed because they are not clearly drawn, causing broken hearts, and eventually a tattered friendship. It may never be a normal friendship-*


I reply, as usual , "What were you talking about, and who were you talking to?"

X"friend"-"My Aunt; we were talking about our pasts with eachother and you came up quite a few times."

Me-"Ok..what about me?"

x "friend"-"Ok, I'm just gonna say this, because it's on my heart. I'm just gonna say it, ok?"

Me -(silent-thinking, what craziness is he about to tell me ? He loves me? He wants to be with me? He got someone pregnant? He has a STD?)-my mind was wandering like a mug
"Ok"- I said, apprehensively.


x "friend"- "If I've ever done anything in the past that deceived you in any way- I apologize. I'm sorry."

Me-(Silent for like 8 seconds) "I don't know what to say."

x "friend"- "You don't have to say anything"

So, basically it took a heart to heart with his Aunt, to realize things I've been saying to him for like 2 years. This x "friend" is the subject of a couple of other posts on Introspect. I fell in love with this guy. He was saying one thing ( "I'm not ready for a relationship/dating") but his actions and my interpretation of them kept me hanging on. We were pretty much a couple and extremely indenial about it. I was wifey for about a year and a half, but he didn't have any real obligations to me nor I to him, since I technically was not his "girlfriend" and he was not my "boyfriend." That caused alot of drama and confusion.

I don't know how much I should read into this apology but I'm glad he actually recognizes his role in the situation. He would always use the fact that he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship or dating. Relinquishing himself of any fault. As if it was all me. I am cringing as I think of this cliche, but it's true- "actions speak (so much) louder than words."