There's Nothing Like Knowing Yourself... ("Don't Rush Me" Jean Grae)

Today is my 22nd birthday. Wow. Twenty-two.

Ever since my 16th birthday my birthday has had a different feel to it. The celebrations and ice cream cake are not the only thing I am thinking about.(with the exception of turning 21).

I tend to get very introspective on January 30th. I think about everything (more than usual) like- where I am, what I'm doing and where I'm going. I think about how blessed I am. I think about the things that went wrong in the previous year and the things that went right. Overall, 21 was a good year. It was a transition year for me. It's all starting to make sense~ (a response to Common's third album One Day It'll all Make Sense).

Well, another year is completed on my journey to get to know myself and here's to another blessed year! :)

An Unrequited Love

I have always had this perfect idea of what love would be like for me whenever I had the chance to share it with someone. I always hoped that It(love for me) would be this beautiful thing that would have me glowing, smiling for no reason, professing it to the world. I don't know. That probably sounds corny and naive. Here's a poem I wrote a while ago. I would describe it as my love fantasy.

Romance On a Rainy Night

Dance with me, Romance me
On a rainy Fall night
Just me and you, you
Kissing me ever so softly
As Duke Ellington and John Coltrane’s
“In A Sentimental Mood”
Plays as quietly and as
Tranquilizing as the rain drops
Tapping on the window-
Our bodies are intertwined
We are so close…We are One
With you I am warm,
Warm as the heat emitting
From the amber fire burning
In the fireplace-
I look up and I gaze into
Your glistening brown eyes and I
See a reflection of myself—
We belong together, we should
Be together for the rest of our lives
I know it, I feel it
You know it as well, because
I became liquid,
I melted in your arms as your
Lips opened to my heart and said-
“I love you”…

The first (and only) experience I've had in love was not near what I had imagined it would be. It started out great, we were friends first. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of falling for someone who didn't want to be fallen for. A bitter, jaded person who had been hurt too often, but slipped up and let me into his bruised heart. It didn't fulfill any of my criteria and it actually made me feel pretty horrible. I spent alot time, hurt and confused, trying to convince the "object of my affection" that I was the one for him. My love was never returned. I had even maintained a friendship that I thought I needed. We relied on eachother and I felt comfort in knowing that he was still in my life. I thought we could have a normal friendship, but the reality is that we can not. Until he doesn't get jealous of dudes I talk to and I can get over my feelings for him, we can not cultivate a genuine friendship.

I put alot of energy into thinking about this person and my feelings for him, and now I am working very hard at moving on. I want to learn from this and hopefully, in the future learn what it is like to love and be loved in return.

First Day Anxiety

There's something about the first day of classes that never fails to spur up a random (or not so random) bout of anxiety. In elementary school and high school I always loved the first day of school for each respective year. I was anxious to see what the year would bring, what new things I would learn, etc. I also had a nervous anxiety, even though I've always done very well in school, I was always worried about how challenging that particular school year would be. I obviously worry too much. I'm a worry wart. This has carried over into my undergraduate years. Each semester I get this anxious feeling on the first day of classes.

So today was the first day of classes and I woke up very early for my 11:40 Begginner's Tennis class. I made breakfast and I even washed my dishes. (I'm sure this type of activity will not be happening as the semester progresses). Even though it was just tennis, I had this fluttery feeling in the pit of my stomach. I thought it would go away by the time my class was underway, but it didn't. It just changed into this unsettling feeling. It persisted until the end of my late night shift at work when I realized the true root of this prolonged anxiety. This is my last semester at Temple. Walking around our wet campus on this gray and dreary day, I felt a little emotional. Walking by familiar spots, bittersweet memories flashed through my mind. The bell tower, Mconigle Hall parties, J&H. I was once an eager, naive, and excited freshman on this campus that once seemed so vast but was now made small by routine and familiarity.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter in my life, but it's always bittersweet when one ends. My years at Temple were quite possibly the best years of my life, so far. I've learned so much about myself. I've made friends that I will have for life and learned lessons that I will take with me for life. With exactly 4 months until I walk across that stage to receive my B.A. in Journalism, the idea of life after Temple is becoming more real. So until May 18, I'm going to continue making those memories with those friends who will be there to remember them when we're old and have grandchildren.

Skeletons

A poem I wrote recently...

Like layers of wool being pulled back
Off of my eyes
Shedding some skin
Seeing the light
Facades lifted
Racing through my head
Are thoughts
Why? How? and
When?
I'm unusually calm
Must be
Maturity kicking in now
Or maybe I'm used to this...