Escape Door

I can get lost behind my eyes
within my soul
My body becomes a shell
as my soul searches for a better reality
Something tolerable
Something it feels more comfortable in

But the reality is, here
In this body, this life,
This world.
You can't escape it.

Matters of My Heart

I've accepted that I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. When my heart is involved it's all in and you will know it. I feel. Everything. And usually those feelings drive my actions. I'm extremely empathetic and this can be very burdensome on my emotions and heart. On the other side of that, when there are positive feelings and emotions involved, my heart's capacity to feel them is a blessing.

The risk in this, though, is the heartbreak of not having that action reciprocated. And I've experienced this more often than I'd like. I'm tired and my heart is slowly losing it's steam. My heart is becoming more and more guarded. I'm not as open as I used to be. This scares me somewhat.

Love can be a beautiful thing, and though I haven't experienced it fully, I know that my heart is capable of giving it. I have so much love in my heart and just want the opportunity to share that with the right person. Only God knows...

TRUST

It's an issue for me. The big "T" word. Maybe it's because a couple of important people in my life have made it difficult for me to trust them. Or maybe I just question everything. It's so easy for people to tell a lie, how do you know the difference between BS and the real honest truth?

I'm always questioning people's actual motives and intentions. Does he really like me? Is he really attracted to me? What do these people really think of me?

On the flip side of this I may not trust what people say, but I do believe in action. I believe a person's actions over a word they speak any day. I'm starting to think this may have screwed up my love life to some degree. I end up reading too deeply into a person's (selected) actions and never coming to terms with what they are really saying to me, which in most cases is pretty important. I need some balance here. No one's perfect and I'm not going to find someone who will tell me the truth every day, although that would be ideal. lol I think the main problem is that now i start to question every thing a guys says way too early.

The more I think about the root of my lack of trust in words, I think its roots lie somewhere in my insecurities as well. I never think that I am that desirable in general and therefore never believe when anyone is actually interested or attracted to me. This goes for all relationships, work, dating, friends, etc. Either I am scarred from rejections past, or just plain insecure. I think it's a little of both. Constantly trying to prove to someone (for years) that you are a good fit for them and that you are in love with them, and repeatedly being told that your feelings are not what you think they are and in turn being rejected because of his inability to take a risk again, has kind of taken a toll on me .

I need a refresher course in "I'm a fly woman, of course men are attracted to me" lol. I'm getting there though.

Empty Space...

So, I feel like I should write more. I've neglected this blog heavily over the last year or so. Ok, maybe 2 years. Just a lonely blog filled with old posts, old opinions, old feelings, and some thoughts that I would love to forget...

Soo, now that my 25th bday is quickly approaching, I'm having loads of "Introspect"-ive moments simply because my birthday does that to my mind, but more importantly because turning 25 makes you think, lol. It's a consensus among my friends that we all thought in the 4th grade that at age 25, our adult lives would be set, we'd have our careers, marriages, homes and possibly children on the way. We are all amused at our 9 year old mind's inability grasp all the work it takes to be an adult, lol....

Well according to my yearly horoscope ( which my new roommate sent me) this is a year of change, exciting change for me. It has already begun changing with the passing of my Auntie....the most important woman in my life. Being hired at an awesome agency doing what I love to some degree and living in a city I've adored since childhood. These changes have been wake up calls. My Auntie did so much for me while she was here. I am now going to have a crash course in being an adult without her safetybelt. I miss her everyday and sometimes I still can't believe she's gone. It's a rough transition, but it's God's will and He will see me through this tough time.

I tend to think about the little things that were so special about my Auntie. Her greeting cards for no reason, but that always helped when she knew I was feeling down, sick, or stressed; our talks, her advice, her soft hugs, the way her cheekbones rose so high when she smiled, her eyes chinked up, her voice, and her spontaneous ideas for outtings together, the way she knew me better than I knew myself...

I miss that I won't have a chance to bring my future son, with her favorite name, Isaiah, over to visit....

Her physical place in my life, here on Earth is empty and can never be refilled. Life is crazy...

Soo, I'm hoping I will continue to use this blog this year for it's intended purpose. I'm an instrospective person and getting my thoughts out is therapeutic for me. I hash them out to make sense of them and to put my restless mind at ease. With that,
Peace & Blessings
~E

"Adult World Reality Check"

One of my new co workers said "In your 20s you're pretending to be an adult and once you hit 30, there aren't anymore excuses for anything . You'll just be looked at as the 30 something trying to act like you're a 20something." There was alot more prefacing and following that comment. The one portion of her comment I remember most is the "pretending to be an adult" part. I am so there! She could not have been more right.

So, I'm turning 25 in like 5 months. For some reason the age '25' is a bit scary and contains much more than I feel I am ready for. I know I'm legally, according the government, an adult. I'm not in school anymore. I'm working full time, making a decent salary.
If I accepted those couple of stipulations to qualify me as an adult, then I'd be cool about turning 25. Here are a couple of reasons why I don't think I quite qualify in the adult category.
1. I don't have my own place, still living with family
2. I am still not so great at creating a budget and sticking to it
3. ETC...

I think your twenties are even more awkward than being a teenager. It's a confusing and scary time. I don't know much of anything about being an "adult," yet I am expected to act like one and conduct business as one.

A New Chapter

I have to wake up in a little under 4 hours. I must be crazy. Tomorrow is my first day at my new job. It is a position totally foreign to me, although I know I have the skills, I've just never taken on this much responsibility. I will be taking a break from shooting in the field every day and working as an editorial assistant for a bi-monthly magazine/website...in NYC. It is prob the dream job for this point in my life. I am excited, nervous, anxious, and deeply saddened. My emotions are all over the place.

I was offered this job the day of my Auntie's homegoing service, which was bittersweet, but put me in a much more peaceful mood that day. I wasn't supposed to hear about the job for another week after that. My peace came from knowing that ultimately God is in control and everything happens for a reason. I knew she was rooting for me to get this job and is elated for me.

Even though I know my Auntie has gone on to a happier better place, I still find myself thinking about all of the little things I miss about her. So at this time, when I am supposed to be sleeping, I am thinking about the fact that I can't share with my Auntie this exciting time. She would have called me tonight and tomorrow morning (whether i answer or not) wishing me luck and telling me she has all faith in me, she loves me, and is so proud of me. Those little things, I will miss the most. Her random greeting cards, her hugs, emails, and genuine concern for my well-being. I have this strange feeling that I am alone without her. A major portion of my life is gone from this earth and it's hard to deal.

For My Auntie; Sunrise 11/03/1950 - Sunset 7/2/08

Auntie, praising God for the wonder that is the earth, while watching sun rise on a cruise, summer '06.

How do you put into words the significance of the life of the woman who raised you? Maybe my grief is still too fresh to fine tune my thoughts and reflections on the life of my Auntie. I am supposed to be putting together a poem or short write up for the program which I am having the hardest time completing. I want to create a slide show like I do for for all of my other relatives who pass, but I can't look at multiple photos of her without getting emotional. Trust a slide show will be completed in due time.

The words are not coming out coherently right now. I am praying for strength and I hope it comes soon. She always said we were "two tough cookies"... R.I.P Auntie, you'll always be in my heart.