TRUST

It's an issue for me. The big "T" word. Maybe it's because a couple of important people in my life have made it difficult for me to trust them. Or maybe I just question everything. It's so easy for people to tell a lie, how do you know the difference between BS and the real honest truth?

I'm always questioning people's actual motives and intentions. Does he really like me? Is he really attracted to me? What do these people really think of me?

On the flip side of this I may not trust what people say, but I do believe in action. I believe a person's actions over a word they speak any day. I'm starting to think this may have screwed up my love life to some degree. I end up reading too deeply into a person's (selected) actions and never coming to terms with what they are really saying to me, which in most cases is pretty important. I need some balance here. No one's perfect and I'm not going to find someone who will tell me the truth every day, although that would be ideal. lol I think the main problem is that now i start to question every thing a guys says way too early.

The more I think about the root of my lack of trust in words, I think its roots lie somewhere in my insecurities as well. I never think that I am that desirable in general and therefore never believe when anyone is actually interested or attracted to me. This goes for all relationships, work, dating, friends, etc. Either I am scarred from rejections past, or just plain insecure. I think it's a little of both. Constantly trying to prove to someone (for years) that you are a good fit for them and that you are in love with them, and repeatedly being told that your feelings are not what you think they are and in turn being rejected because of his inability to take a risk again, has kind of taken a toll on me .

I need a refresher course in "I'm a fly woman, of course men are attracted to me" lol. I'm getting there though.

Relationships

What is the real reason we decide to have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Is the title just to let the whole world know that you are committed to one person? What if you and your partner were the only two people left on the planet? Would you really need to define yourself as boyfriend and girlfriend?

Why is it that when a person does gain a boyfriend or girlfriend, the rest of their relaionships automatically become less significant. Is it a rule that your boyfriend/girlfriend automatically rises above all of these relationships? It's the mentatlity "I got my boyfriend and he loves me and that's all that matters." For some reason that seems a bit toxic. It seems like setting yourself up for devastation if that relationship ever ends. Sine I have never had someone I would call my "boyfriend" maybe I am speaking from inexperience. I don't know. These things have just been on my mind lately.

Why do I still want to be with someone who has adamantly shown me that he is not emotionally ready for a girlfriend? I still love him and think that there is hope out there for us to finally be the couple I always knew we could be. Just writing that makes me feel insane. Like "Hello!, Earth to Erin! He's just not that into you!"

I can't force him into a relationship or taking a risk and letting himself love. I can't be that girl to snap him out of his habit of being reluctant to trust a woman and let her into his life. Whenever he is ready to take that step in life, I may only be there as a supportive friend and nothing more. I've always been his friend and I don't want to stop being there for him, but when will I be there for me?

If I can't be there for me, who will?

Fantasizing about a New Love

I posted about this in the past and I was unable to get the song downloaded to give you a sample of this beautiful song. Anyone can relate to this song, it's so honest and beautifully done. This is a version of Fantasize Floetry did on Def Poetry Jam. Enjoy :)